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"Death in vain forbids His rise!"
"Where, o death, is now thy sting?"
"Where thy victory, o grave?"

— classic Easter death taunts

"What’s the matter, death? Can’t keep a man down?"
"Here, o death, is your purple nurple!"
"Suck it, death!

— modern Easter death taunts

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Judging by the hymn we sang today, angels should really get their prostates checked more often.

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There was no good way to photograph the Applebee’s train wreck called the Chicken & Shrimp Tequila Tango. The horror. The horror.

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I had three Pomegranate Lemonades so I’m waiting for the massive sugar crash any moment now.

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Jefferson is totally judging you right now.

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The only way the Baptist church ushers could have been any more efficient with the offering plates is if they had been throwing frisbees.

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There are many good reasons to go to church; hearing words like “shouldst” is one of them.

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Mom’s church used Brush Script and Comic Sans today.

Must be saving Papyrus for the upcoming Sunday sermon about Moses. 

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Searching for rare earth magnets on Amazon gets 11,694 results, which make them relatively common and readily available rare earth magnets.

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I squeezed the Charmin.

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"Here he comes. Quick! Act nonchalant!"

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"I like big bugs and I cannot lie."

- some entomologist
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Hickory-smoked Tofurky deli slices… Vaguely palatable, but its strange color kinda creeps me out.

(And no, Tufurky ain’t people.)

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Basking kitty… Baskitty?

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"There’s just no pleasing some people."

- Herb Derpwin, inventor of the failed Taint Trembler 3000.