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John Cleese on Stupidity

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People who believe they have everybody fooled eventually discover they’ve been playing checkers in a world of chess.

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The Sun’s wife must be totally sick and tired of Jimmy Dean sausages by now.

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In North Dakota, it’s pronounced “brool”.

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The crème brûlée milkshake. I chose wisely.

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I’m gonna go shoplifting with Winona Ryder. Anybody want anything?

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Nice try, Walmart.

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Mankind has yet to create the perfect pasta fun shape.

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Gal on phone: “How many employees are at your company?” 

Me: “34.”

Gal on phone: “So that would be under 50?”

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In anticipation of McDonald’s Monopoly beginning tomorrow, weekend sweatpants sales increased by 30,000%.

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"Boom Clap"

- what it sounds like when you get gonorrhea
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When nobody’s around, Guy Fieri likes to gnaw on an uncooked brick of ramen.

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URTS (unperforated restroom toilet paper) — The toilet paper only an office building landlord could love.™

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"Cock-a-doodle-dammit."

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some rooster on Monday morning

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Does Taylor Swift have a belly button?